Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
