I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
