He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
