I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
