My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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