How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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