You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
