I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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