So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
