two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
