Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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