If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
