my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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