I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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