stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
