Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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