He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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