Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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