I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
