I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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