I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
