Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
