Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
