I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
