Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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