she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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