he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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