It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
