Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
