He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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