i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
