Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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