I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
