my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
