you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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