all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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