Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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