I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
