You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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