I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Randomize
