He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
