you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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