I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is Oprah even human
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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