Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize