just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
