I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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