So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
