The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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