I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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