omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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