That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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