my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
