I like to think it a success when the cops are called
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
