allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
