I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
