Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
