I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
